This is essentially the performance of every member of Congress today:
Rep. G: Good morning Senator Mitchell, and thank you for being here today. I don't really know anything about baseball, steroids, your report, this investigation, or the United States Congress. I've been under the assumption that you were actually a major league baseball player and until he walked in here today, I had been confusing Bud Selig with Roger Clemens. I now see my mistake. Rather than reading up on this issue or leaving this discussion to my more informed colleagues, I would like to take the next five minutes to drone on in unbearable monotone while I spout generalities about the horrors of drugs and mispronounce the most famous names in the game.
But first, let me thank you. Thank you, Senator Mitchell, for your great service to this sport, this nation, and this issue. Thank you and thank you again. Thank you. George, thank you. Really. I commend you. I commend and thank you. And while we're at it, I'd like to thank the chairman and the ranking member for their leadership on this issue. I'd like to thank Commissioner Selig for his participation. And I'd also like to thank Jesus for his guidance throughout this difficult time for the game. Thank you all.
It is clear to me that the reason we are here today is for the children.
Sen. Mitchell - What children?
Rep. G: The wonderful, perfect children in my district and all across this big, great, grand land of ours who are affected by the steroid issue.
Sen. Mitchell - Oh. Them.
Rep. G: These children, from ages 3-17, are all in danger of taking steroids. It is my firm belief that when a child watches a player like Billy Bonds hit 173 home runs in a season, that child goes out, finds a steroid distributer, sells lemonade to raise the money, and then purchases steroids. In my district alone, the Babe Ruth Little League saw a 44% increase in team-by-team home runs between 2006-2007 alone -- I'd like to thank Senator Stevens for appropriating $1.2B for this study. Clearly, our children are at risk.
Cheating is not okay, under any circumstances. And I think it is only appropriate that this conversation is taking place in the temple of ethics that is the United States Capitol. I mean imagine, just for a moment, that the same unethical behaviors that have invaded Major League Baseball ever permeated the marble walls of the Capitol. Imagine -- I know it's hard, but try -- that congressmen(!) and senators(!) acted without concern for the rules and dared to challenge the ethical boundaries of this fine institution. It's scary, isn't it? I only mention this, Senator, to emphasize the point that Congress is the perfect body to cast judgment on ballplayers who pushed the rules to stay in the game and challenged the authorities just so they could win electi--ahem, ahem, ballgames.
Lastly, and I know, Mr. Chairman, that my five minutes are winding down, but I would like to take a few hours to expound on the importance of baseball to the very heart of our fine country. In my great state of Ohio, we have one and a half teams, the Cleveland Indians and the Cincinatti Reds. These teams have suffered the most from the use of steroids in baseball. While every Yankee who has played over the past decade has taken steroids, no Indian or Red has ever used an illegal substance. Frankly Senator---
Senator Mitchell: That's not true.
Rep. G: Huh?
Senator Mitchell: Your statement is incorrect, Congressman. Actually 17 players connected to the Indians were named in my report, including such prominent players as Juan Gonzalez, Matt Williams, and David Justice.
Rep. G: Who?
Senator Mitchell: Nevermind.
Chairman: Congressman G, your time has expired.
Rep. G: Mr. Chairman, will you permit me one final question?
Senator Mitchell: You haven't asked a question yet.
Rep. G: Be that as it may...Mr. Chairman, may I?
Chairman: Of course, rule and order is of no consequence to the U.S. Congress.
Rep. G: Excellent. Then let me close by asking you, Senator Mitchell. Have you ever taken steroids or any other performance enhancing substances?
Sen. Mitchell: What? No! Have you?
Rep. G: Time's up, Mr. Chairman.
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2 comments:
Hahaha. Good post. I agree that these dog and pony shows are ridiculous--and that's coming from a guy who likes dogs, ponies, and shows.
Not a normal commentary, but neith is this response.
The fact is, who cares what these guys did? We enjoyed watching them.
Integrity of the game? What is that?
They gave up integretity when they allowed TV to establish times games are shown. They did not care about todays' kids being able to watch World Series and Playoff games because they were in prime time and they were on school nights.
They did not care that games were played in the November snow, because of TV revenue.
It is the almighty dollar that means everything. All the rest is "crap".
All these players that have the numbers belong in the Hall of Fame.
Pete Rose belongs in the Hall.
Jim Rice belongs in the Hall.
Marvelous Marv Thronberry belongs in the Hallway.
Values have changed and Baseball has to adapt. What wasn't illegal should not have an effect on what someone did back then.
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