My (Peyton's) Apology

Dear Colts Fans,

I'm sorry for throwing a franchise-record six interceptions last night.

Sincerely,

Peyton Manning

P.S. Dave G was right about me.

Rookie of the Year vs. Little Big League: A Critical Comparison

As a child of the nineties, I grew up in the heyday of feel good, geared-toward-children-but-still-enjoyable-for-adults sports movies. Angels in the Outfield, Little Giants, and the Big Green all enjoyed moderate commercial success. But two films, I think, stand out among the others as two of the greatest films in motion picture history: Rookie of the Year and Little Big League. Contrary to popular belief, these are in no way the same movie. In one, a child plays for a major league team. In the other, a child manages a major league team. Huge difference. The two movies are very similar though, and in this post I will compare them based on the criteria that seem to have been considered every time they wrote a kids-in-sports movie back in the early 90's.

But first a recap:

In Rookie of the Year, young Henry Rowengartner (Rulenfurter?) breaks his arm and is immediately able to pitch over 100 mph. After firing a baseball from the outfield stands to home plate at Wrigley Field, the Cubs offer him a major league contract and Henry becomes a big leaguer. Along the way, he befriends an aging pitcher named Chet "The Rocket" Steadman and a goofy pitching coach who locks himself between the connecting doors at a hotel. He also battles a villainous opposing hitter. Henry helps get the Cubs to the playoffs even after he loses his phenomenal speed, but not before helping the players rekindle their love for the game. He then leaves Major League Baseball to pursue a normal childhood.

In Little Big League, young Billy Heywood's grandfather dies and leaves him the Minnesota Twins. After firing a loud-mouth manager, played masterfully by Dennis Farina, Billy hires himself as manager and sets upon leading the Twins to the playoffs. Along the way, he befriends an aging firstbaseman named Lou Collins and a goofy pitcher who throws waterballoons out of hotel windows. He also battles a villainous opposing hitter (Ken Griffey, Jr). Billy helps the Twins get to a one-game playoff but loses in the end. It's ok though because he helps the players rekindle their love for the game. He then leaves Major League Baseball to pursue a normal childhood.

So which movie is best? In order to judge the movies on a fair basis, I'll use certain criteria that were characteristic of every sports movie of that era: 1) a likeable kid to play the lead 2) his two pudgier, dorkier friends 3) the event that puts him in the big time 4) the aging star player who teaches him a valuable life lesson 5) the supportive but weary mother 6) the comic relief -- er, coaching staff 7) the eccentric teammates 8) the villainous opposing player 9) the moment the kid realizes he wants to just be a kid and 10) the classic moment that makes the movie memorable.

Play Ball!

1) Thomas Ian Nicholas vs. Luke Edwards

While both played the parts well, I'd have to give this edge to Mr. Nicholas. He was younger and cuter and he would later bang Tara Reid in American Pie. Case closed. Winner: Rookie of the Year

2) Clark and George from ROTY vs. Chuck and Joey from LBL

This one goes to Chuck and Joey, mostly because Clark and George should be the names of your grandpa's friends, not your own. I have never met a Clark or a George who is my age. I think whoever wrote Rookie of the Year (I'm looking at you Sam Harper!) picked the names of his two favorite great uncles to fill the names of Henry's friends. Also, Chuck's line (or was it Joey's?) "When my grandfather died, all he left me was a sweater" sets the tone for the movie. And Joey's line (or was it Chuck's?) "Shoulda started Webman" not only added comic relief but also gave Billy a a great idea for a last minute lineup change. Most importantly, though, Chuck and Joey would sit on a fourth friend, Lowell, just to humiliate him. Any movie where a main character sits on another character for fun has to win this category. Winner: Little Big League

3) Henry slipping on a baseball vs. Billy's grandfather dying

These are two awful events. I'm sure Little Big League was responsible for teaching some little kids about the concept of death and I'm certain that Rookie of the Year led some kids to purposely break their arms so they could pitch for the Cubs. But since dying is slightly worse than breaking your arm and since Little Big League featured Oscar winner Jason Robards as Billy's grandfather, we're going to give this one to them. Winner: Little Big League

4) Chet "The Rocket" Steadman vs. Lou Collins

Gary Busey's performance as The Rocket was simply more believable than Timothy Busfield's as Lou. That has more to do with the actors than with their abilities. Busey's previous film roles included Mr. Joshua in Lethal Weapon and Commander Krill in Under Siege. Busfield's previous roles included Arnold Poindexter in Revenge of the Nerds and Mark, the pessimistic banker from Field of Dreams who tried to shut down the field and its dreams. But somehow, Lou's quest for on-field success and off-field romance with Billy's mom made him a much more three-dimensional character than Steadman. Also, he's not played by Gary Busey. Winner: Little Big League

5) Mary Rowengartner vs. Jenny Heywood

These are two blond, lanky women. They both care for their sons and want what is best for them. Mary was a former star pitcher whose floating pitch provided the inspiration that led Henry to beat the Mets. But she also married that jerk mcgerk who tried to exploit Henry's newfound talent. Jenny was a cool lady who ended up with Lou Collins. But, she never pitched a floater in her life! Winner: Push

6) Daniel Stern's Pitching Coach and the Tongue-tied Manager vs. Dennis Farina and Mac, The Grizzled Pitching Coach.

To pretend that Little Big League can win this one would be a sham. Rosenfurter! Rudabaga! Hoosenwhatsels! He just couldn't say Rowengartner for the life of him! And Daniel Stern locking himself between those connecting doors - Wow! Simply iconic. Winner: Rookie of the Year

7) The Rocket and Really No One Else vs. Lou, Bowers, Lonnie Ritter and Mickey Scales, among others.

Aside from the Rocket, who wasn't that funny, the Cubs were rather anonymous in Rookie of the Year. Little Big League offered a cadre of unique, humorous characters. From the playing-while-injuried Lonnie to the hopeless rookie Scales to the water-balloon throwing Bowers (played by Weekend at Bernie's own Jonathan Silverman) to Lou Collins, Little Big League had it all. Seriously though, it seems like they just picked a bunch of random guys who had been in at least one moderately successful movie before. Hmm, let's take the ladies man who spent a weekend with a dead body, put him with the guy who's played a nerd in fifteen straight movies, and put them on a baseball team together. I see a hit. Winner: Little Big League

8) The Scary Met vs. Ken Griffey, Jr.

Rookie of the Year got a guy who kind of looks like John Kruk to play Heddo, the terrifying Mets slugger. The actor, Tom Milanovich, is also well known for such roles as Guard, Thug #2, and Man in Bar. Go to imdb.com. I swear I'm not making this up. Little Big League got Ken Griffey, Jr, one of the best players in the history of the game, to play himself. How is this even a comparison? Winner: Little Big League

9) Henry Slipping On the Ball Again vs. Griffey Robbing Lou of a Home Run

Henry is driven back to his old life after he slips on another baseball - who'd have thought?!? - and loses his pitching ability. After struggling against Heddo, he peels back a piece of his glove to find out that his mom was the star pitcher, not his dad as he previously thought, and heeds her advice to "float it". He, now again a normal 12-year old, strikes out Heddo and wins the game.
Billy's magical season ends when his stepdad-to-be, the great Lou Collins, gets robbed of a home run by Junior. He hits the ball, by the way, off of RANDY JOHNSON!!! That ball went from Randy Johnson to Arnold Poindexter to Ken Griffey, Jr! It doesn't get much better than that. Anyway, Lou's outlook after the game shows Billy that there are more important things than winning a baseball game. He summarily resigns his post and returns to childhood. Winner: Push

10) "Pitcher's Got A Big Butt" vs. None, really

Rookie of the Year was famous for two of Henry's quotes: "Pitcher's Got A Big Butt" and "Funky Buttloving!"

The first, "Pitcher's Got A Big Butt!" became a taunt that we used in little league for years to come. It was especially effective when the pitcher did actually have a big butt. "Funky Buttloving" was at the time a funny, innocuous phrase. I wonder now though if it referred to Henry's latent homosexuality. We may never know.
Winner: Rookie of the Year

In the end, Little Big League wins by a score of five to three. It's not too late for Henry Rowengartner though. I'd like to see new movie in which Billy Heywood reinstates himself as manager and hires the new age-appropriate Henry Rowengartner to pitch for the Twins. Somehow though I don't think Thomas Ian Nicholas and Luke Edwards draw a huge box office crowd. Tim Busfield on the other hand...

Hanky's Yankees

I will surely eat my words for what I am about to write: I applaud Hank Steinbrenner.

I have to imagine that George Steinbrenner is locked away in an attic of his family's estate somewhere, under constant medical attention and out of public view. By all accounts, George has slipped into the confines of old age and is suffering from dementia and even though he is said to be a crucial part of the Yankees' decision-making process, I'm sure his responsibilities have been relegated to sitting quietly and looking like George Steinbrenner. The sad thing is that he probably knows as much about baseball now as he did when he was mentally sound. But I'm not going to bash George too much. For all the insanity and drama of his Bronx Zoo, the man still led the Yankees to 10 pennants and six World Series championships. Those are impressive feats and we should celebrate his accomplishments. But he also made some crucial errors that would have crippled any team that didn't have the checkbook to buy its way out of trouble.

George's incessant need to win "right now" clouded his already-cloudly judgment. He was always quick to trade or release home-grown talent for big name stars, even if those players were past their primes and even if the team didn't need them. If you have Jeter, Posada, Matsui, Giambi, Williams, and Sheffield in your lineup already, you probably don't need Alex Rodriguez, especially when your pitching rotation includes Kevin Brown, Jose Contreras, Javier Vazquez, and a fifty-seven year old El Duque. Instead of building his team around a few stars and getting other guys that fit well in the system, George built a team entirely of big name players. That, in short, is the Steinbrenner Problem: the propensity to trade -- or fail to invest in -- young, home-grown prospects for older, expensive stars. He traded Willie McGee and Fred McGriff in the 80's and Jay Buhner and Mike Lowell in the 90's. He was talked out of trading Bernie Williams and Andy Pettitte several times and let countless other young prospects go before ever giving them a shot at the Bigs. But with King George fading quietly into the background and his sons rising to the throne, it seems that there might finally be a new way of thinking in the Bronx.

Hank Steinbrenner's first act as owner was to bid farewell to Yankee hero Joe Torre. This may be the worst first task in the history of any job, anywhere. There was no way for Hank to look good here and he looked awful. When the heir to the Yankee dynasty, who did nothing to earn his position except be born, decides not to rehire the greatest manager in generations (that contract offer was a sham), he will not look good. No way, no how. So for this moment, let's excuse that. It was his first act on the job and was certainly an unenviable task. It was not handled well. But the three things he has done - or not done - since then, deserve thunderous applause.

1. Letting A-Rod Go

Hanky's Yankees put together a record-$300 million dollar package to sign the best player of our time, Alex Rodriguez. They made a valiant effort to make the offer, but told A-Rod that if he opted out, they would not chase him. A-Rod opted out. Hank, in no uncertain terms, said goodbye. "If you don't want to be a Yankee and paid what you're being paid, we don't want you, that's the bottom line. You'd be hard-pressed to argue that point. If you don't understand the magnitude of being a Yankee and understand what that means, and being the highest-paid player in baseball, I think it's pretty obvious." The Yanks stopped chasing A-Rod on principle and picked up Abreu's option to keep a big bat in the heart of the lineup. Finally!!!!! The pride of the Yankees has returned! An owner is governing based on principles. It's about f'ing time!

2. Signing Girardi Over Mattingly

The Yankees signed Joe Girardi as manager, which was the best possible move that could have been made. It's also the way we know that George has absolutely no say anymore. Don Mattingly has always been George Steinbrenner's favorite Yankee. I'm convinced that if George could have traded both his sons, Hank and Hal, in a package deal for Donnie, he would have done it a long time ago. He brought Donnie in as coach to groom him to be manager and apparently suggested in a not-so-subtle manner that one day the job would be his. But when it came down to it, Hank and Hal went against George's wishes and hired the best man for the job. The truth is that Don Mattingly is no way capable of managing the Yankees and the fact that George wanted him is further proof of his irrationality. In the end, Hank and Hal picked the guy who had played for the Yankees' championship teams, who played catcher and thus knows the pitchers and the game, and who has a proven track record of winning as a manager in the Major Leagues. Just because Donnie Baseball played on the Yankees doesn't mean he is qualified to manage them. To spend hundreds of millions of dollars on player contracts and then put Don Mattingly at the helm would be like hiring Dave K. to fly the space shuttle Discovery just because he used to fly twin-engines. I'm 99% sure this analogy works.

3. Keeping Young Prospects Instead of Getting New Stars

Chamberlain, Hughes and Kennedy are the most exciting young pitchers in New York since Isringhausen, Pulsipher, and Wilson. But unlike the Mets' flops of the late nineties, these kids are GOOD. In George's day, this would have meant that they would be marked for trade bait. Hank seems to feel differently. The buzz has been abound about the Yankees possibly making a blockbuster trade for Marlins third baseman Miguel Cabrera, one of the best young hitters in the game. If Papa George was in charge, the Yankees would have traded Melky Cabrera and at least one of the Big Three for Miguel. But those days appear over. Hank indicated this week that the Yankees' future is in its home-grown talent. "It's pretty obvious which players we're not going to trade," Hank said yesterday. "Chamberlain, Hughes and even Kennedy. Not for a position player." THANK GOD. One great, young pitcher - let alone three - can anchor a rotation for a decade. Look at the Braves in the 1990's. Or for a Yankee reference, look at Whitey Ford or Andy Pettitte. Or Mariano Rivera in the bullpen. Hank's unwillingness to part with these pitchers signals a change in the 35-year Steinbrenner policy of shuffling prospects out the door faster than you can say Schowalter.

I hope I don't eat my words. I hope that in a week or a month or a year, I'm not writing about how I hate Hank Steinbrenner and how he's no more than a worse version of his father. But right now, he seems to be making all the moves his dad was too foolish to make all those years. He has exercised pride, intelligence, and restraint in the three key decisions he made after letting Torre go - three things we haven't really been able to associate with Papa George.

The 1996 Yankees began a dynasty that lasted a dozen seasons. If Hank keeps this up, the 2008 team might begin another. It's too bad George won't be able to appreciate it.

762*

"I don't think you can put an asterisk on the game of baseball, and I don't think the Hall of Fame can accept an asterisk," Bonds said. "You can't give people the right to change history."

Interesting. Barry's against changing history. Well how about this then: If Barry Bonds had never put steroids into his body, Hank Aaron would still be the home run king. How's that for changing history? Funny how he didn't seem to mind it then.

Barry said this week that if the Hall of Fame displays his ball, since branded with an asterisk by the ball's owner, Marc Ecko, then Bonds will never visit the Hall and would even boycott his own induction ceremony. First of all, Hall president Dale Petroskey is probably thanking the good lord for this stroke of luck. Now he knows how to keep Bonds from Cooperstown. If Major League Baseball has been too soft to catch Bonds cheating and ban him from the Hall, the Hall can now take its own step to prevent Bonds from joining. A big part of me thinks, Good. Go ahead and display that ball as an f.u. to the man who has said f.u. to the game of baseball for all these years. That's the fun answer. But it's not the right one. And when I take a step back and think about this from a broader view, I actually agree with Bonds. And that pisses me off.

Baseball is a game of numbers. 42. 56. 61. .400. 755. Any fan knows what these mean because the numbers themselves are as important as the game. The thing is, though, that the game has changed throughout the years. Players have advantages now that old timers never enjoyed. When Roger Maris broke Ruth's record of 60 home runs, he did it in 8 more games than the Babe. The game had changed since the record was set: the season was expanded and Maris was given more opportunities to hit home runs. But for all myths surrounding the asterisk that was to be put beside his record, the symbol was never instituted by Major League Baseball and Maris's name stood unmarked above Ruth's. Major League Baseball, for all its faults, exercised brilliant restraint by not putting an asterisk next to Maris's name. The game had changed, the record was a result of this change, and the men at the top realized that this was simply part of the evolving game of baseball.

Baseball has since evolved into the current era of uncertainty. Who took what substances? Who didn't? The game has changed in ways previously unimagined and there is virtually no way now to determine which players in this era are guilty of juicing. So what do you do? Do you discount all records set in the last ten or fifteen years? I don't think you can do that. You cannot simply throw out McGwire's 70 home runs or Sosa's 66 or Bonds' 73 just because they cheated - or because we think they did. In baseball history, the numbers stand for themselves and it is left to us to judge what they mean. Some people will never believe that Roger Maris was the true owner of that record in the same way that many people now do not believe Bonds' record to be legitimate. People are entitled to those opinions and baseball should afford its followers the ability to choose for themselves what they want to believe. For the Hall of Fame to display a ball branded with an asterisk - an act which I believe to be a hideous affront to the game - is disrespectful not only to the new Home Run King, but to the fans and to the game itself.

I believe that Barry Bonds cheated. I do. I think he has disgraced the game in a way that no player has before and I would love to see him suffer the consequences. But I want those consequences to be fair. The truth is that Bonds has turned himself into a lightning rod of hatred and resentment, so it is easy to say let's give him an asterisk when one was never issued before. We also forget the fact that the man hasn't been proven guilty of anything. If he is found to have taken steroids and/or to have broken the laws of the game, then I hope they ban his ass faster than you can say Balco. But until then, you can't punish someone for being a jerk or because you think he might have done something wrong. And even if Bonds is banned from the game, 762 or whatever it stops at will still be the official home run record. Bonds hit the home runs. The fans will judge the record for themselves. The Hall should step back and let them do it.

Colts? Or Tum Tum?

When Bill Belichick wears anything besides a baggy, grey Patriots sweatshirt, you know it’s going to be an exciting game. This one lived up to the hype. We saw the two best teams of the last decade at their finest and the two best quarterbacks fulfilled all of Dave G’s pre-game expectations. Brady led a game-winning drive with three minutes left in the fourth quarter to put the Pats ahead. Manning coughed up a fumble trying to do the same thing and took the Colts out of the game. There’s more to the story, obviously, but it pretty much comes down to this: Brady rose to the occasion. Manning fumbled away the chance to drive to victory.

Some other thoughts:

• The Colts defense is incredible. Freeney and Mathis barely gave Brady a chance. Bob Sanders is a force of nature. Brackett’s interception set up what could have been the definitive drive of the game. And the Pats still put up 24 points. That’s scary.
• Brady-Moss is becoming the new Manning-Harrison – except better. Moss had at least two catches that I’m convinced no one else in the league could have made, including a one-armed grab that left even the announcers speechless. The great quarterback finally found his perfect receiver. The great receiver finally found his perfect quarterback. Together, they will rule the world! Or at least the Colts.
• Peyton was forced to play the game without Harrison, his most potent offensive weapon. One can only wonder how it would have played out if he could have looked to number 88.
• Joseph Addai is amazing. The guy is just that good. With over 100 yards rushing and receiving today, the fourth running back selected in the 2006 draft (28 spots behind Reggie Bush) has certainly made the most immediate impact of any player taken that year.
• Bill Belichick further increased his chances of winning the NFL’s Schmuck-of-the-Year Award by barely acknowledging Tony Dungy after the game. One step at a time, I guess. Today, no sweatshirt. Tomorrow, pleasantly greeting an opposing coach. It’s a gradual transition toward humanity.
  

Say It Ain't So, Joe!

Joe Torre is the new manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers. I’m ok with this. Really, I am. Therapy and pills have gotten me past his initial departure. But I must admit I am surprised that Joe would leave the life he has built in New York. The man is beloved in this city. It was his hometown growing up and he has rebuilt his life here since joining the Yanks. His life and the lives of his wife and school-age daughter are rooted in New York. So why move?

I think Joe’s decision to move to LA stems from more than manifest destiny. He says he really just wants to stay in the game but at 67 why leave your hometown and uproot your family to do it? He could have gone out on top after leaving the Yankees but he apparently feels he has more to prove. I suspect that his need to keep managing derives from his desire to prove to the Yankees – to the Steinbrenners, really – that he can still do the job and that they were wrong to force him out. He’ll be managing in a different league, in the NL’s toughest division, and will likely face constant comparisons to Tommy Lasorda. Competing with Tommy in LA is like competing with, well, Joe Torre in NY. This isn’t an enviable position. In the end, Joe will always be a Yankee. He bleeds a darker blue than Tommy Lasorda. But for now I’ll watch him manage the Dodgers and I won’t be able to keep myself from hoping they turn things around out there.

Who's the Manning?

Hi, I’m Peyton Manning and I have erectile dysfunction. Thus begins the Viagra ad Peyton will be appearing in during Sunday’s highly touted Colts-Pats game. Seriously, do you think Peyton has ever turned down a commercial? Do you think he ever said “No. I’ve never bought a car from Eastern Motors and my job is not my credit credit?”¹ At what point does it become ridiculous that he’s on television more during games in which the Colts aren’t playing? If I’m flipping through the channels one day and I see him on I Love the 80’s arguing with Dustin Diamond over which fraggle would have been better in bed, I swear I’ll never watch a football game again. All the NFL needs to do is shoot one commercial with Peyton Manning downing Lipitor and driving a Chevy and just play it on loop nonstop throughout the whole season. That’s what Sundays have become.

It’s hard to say anything about Sunday’s game without feeling like I’m repeating everything that has already been said. This has the potential to be one of the most important games in NFL history, the kind of thing they’ll play over and over on ESPN Classic for years to come – probably with Peyton pimping flying cars during the commercial breaks. There’s something for everyone here. Colts vs. Patriots. Dungy vs. Belichick. Harrison vs. Moss. Bridget vs. Gisele. But, most importantly, Manning vs. Brady. I might catch heat for saying this – that is, if anyone actually reads this – but I believe this to be the best quarterback match up of all time. There are guys in sports who are born to be natural rivals: the best athletes on the best teams who compete time and time again in big games (think Larry and Magic). Brady vs. Manning is the definitive rivalry of our time.

So let’s get down to it. Manning or Brady? Anyone who has watched any Colts or Pats games with me in the last five years (probably only my roommate Andrew) knows how I feel about this one. It’s Manning. Just kidding, Drew. It’s Brady! I’d take Brady over Manning any day for the same reason I’d take Jeter over A-Rod. There are players who have that natural ability to come up big every single time, who were born to play in the clutch and who seem to dominate big games as if they knew the script beforehand and were only playing along (actually if the spy allegations are true, this could very well be the case). Tom Brady is one of these players.

Peyton Manning is the best regular season quarterback in the history of the NFL. Better than Marino, Marc. Better than Elway, Jason. He’s a stat-machine and now with a ring to back up the numbers, Manning’s place in history is assured. By the time he retires, he’ll own every career passing record in the books. But he’s not a big game quarterback. He won one Super Bowl while playing on a Colts team that was probably the best team in the league for years before they finally won it all. It started in Tennessee, when the Vols had to wait until he left to win a national championship. Then big playoff losses to the Titans (19-16 in 1999), the Dolphins (23-17 in 2000), the Jets (41-0 in 2002), the Pats (24-14 in 2003 and 20-3 in 2005) and the Steelers (21-18 in 2006) cemented his legacy as a choke artist. He finally won a ring, sure, but I’d bet dollars to dunkin doughnuts that Dungy’s boys would have won at least two or three during that time with another young quarterback in the pocket: Tom Brady.

Coming out of Manning’s conference, Brady won three rings with an inferior offense. He didn’t have Edge or Addai in the backfield and he didn’t have Marvin Harrison to throw to. But somehow, he got it done (Vinatieri didn’t hurt). When I was growing up, all of the top quarterbacks – Aikman, Young, Favre, Elway, Marino – lived in the shadow of Joe Montana and his four Super Bowl championships. They would never have the same clout because they couldn’t top Joe Cool – or Bradshaw for that matter, who also had four rings but wasn’t as hot a commodity in the early 90’s. Here’s the thing: Montana got rings three and four after the age of 32. Brady just turned thirty and is already sitting on three rings. And he’s in the prime of his career. And he’s playing on maybe the best team of all time. It is flatly impossible to predict how many championships a player will win but the odds are certainly against Brady never winning another Super Bowl. Unless some linebacker gets fed up with Belichick running up the score and decides to end Brady’s career, we can expect the kid from Michigan to at least tie Montana and Bradshaw for the most Super Bowl wins of all time and probably even eclipse them. And as for Sunday’s game, it’s a big one, which means Brady will soar and Manning will fall and the Pats’ magical season will continue.

In five or six or seven years when these two quarterbacks retire, Tom Brady will hold the QB record for the most Super Bowl wins. Peyton Manning will hold the record for the most Super Bowl commercials. And when the ’07-’08 Patriots reunite in 25 years to celebrate their undefeated season, you can count on Peyton to do the ad for the commemorative DVD’s.

_{1. This is a popular commercial in Washington. It runs four times per minute.}